Truly you
by Nirain
Summary: John Paul's reflections about Niall


**It's short one-off which I wrote a long time ago. **

I've never thought, that one day I'll come here and we'll meet again after all…It wasn't hard to find you. You always have a gift to catch everybody attentions even if you doing this in the most painful way, didn't bother how many people you may hurt...Or maybe you bother? I don't know it, and I guess I'll never find out, seeing how peaceful you're lying now under the heavy marble plate.

You're a riddle for us.

You appeared from nowhere, imperceptibly sneaking into our lives, sharing our problems and concerns, trying to be like one of us...And you reached it. Perfectly. You became our neighbour, mate, friend, and even lover...You were like a chameleon. It was your gift and curse in the same time. You were a person who we'll want you to be. You were a good mate, who in silent listen your concerns and fears, giving you advices. You were ideal partner for a lonely young woman who searching for love and care, and amazing father for a kid who lost his all family. You were like older brother for me and Michaela, who carried about us, giving advices when we didn't know what to do anymore, and protect us at any price against the evil of the world. You could be everybody...but not yourself.

Since your death I'm asking himself, who are you? What really Niall was hiding behind friendly smile? How much of Niall in you were false and how much true? What did you think about us when we weren't look at you? What were you doing when you were sitting lonely in your apartment, forgetting by all world? Were you happy Niall? Did you love your life? I have so many questions to you and more answers in my head, what you may say to me...but I still don't know if I'm right. Cause I don't know you Niall, even if want it so much.

I only can guess how lonely and broken man was sitting with his friends, pretending that everything was okay. How many tears was falling down from your eyes every night, that they were shining so much in the dark apartment when I walking for a glass of water. We only can guessing what was sitting on your head for all this time, that you so cruelly revenged on us. How many grief and hatred were in you for mom, that you planned so carefully your crime? How were you feeling when you took Kieron's life without blink of an eye? How you felt knowing that your all world disintegrated into small pieces?

I know it's very easy to blame someone's and say how bad and heartless this person is, especially if you don't know him. Yes, it's very easy, Niall to hate you and enjoying that you're death now, that penalty reached you...But it's hard to say to himself that it wasn't only your fault. Everybody are the same guilty as you. Maybe we didn't kill them personally, but we sharing responsibility for this tragedy. If we helped you earlier, maybe today everybody will be still with us and you won't be lying under thick marble plate. If we didn't be so blind and looked closer at you, nothing of this will happen. Even if I want it, I can't hate you Niall. Cause if I hate you, I'll hate myself.

I'm angry at myself that I didn't notice how you asking for a help. That I did nothing for you, only talking about my problems forgetting that you have your life too. You were right, I'm selfish. I didn't bother about you as Kieron, I wasn't behaving as your friend...I'm sorry that I didn't help you face your demons. That you were alone in the battle in which you were in an unfavourable position from the outset...You didn't have nobody for whom you could fight, and that is the most sad and scary part of you. Nobody loved you truly, everybody pushed you away like you were leper. That only incited your aggression, your dark side won with the good one. All years of therapy went in vain...You wanted to be notice. So when the anger filled you inside, you decided to change it, and you did it. Destroying our whole idea about you, restoring us to the brutal reality. You were sick Niall. And that was our crime. We didn't want to notice that something wasn't alright with you. Even when I noticed disturbing signals from you a few days before Kieron's death, I did nothing with it...Maybe I should talk with you like Kieron and try to understand you? To see a world with your eyes?

I saw a good side in you, Niall, I really saw. I saw it when you spend with us Christmas, enjoying the feeling that you're a part of our family, that you're one of McQueen's. I saw it in a way how you were smiling and talking with Kieron, enjoying his company, opening up a little to him. You weren't so close with anybody than with him...I know that everybody can saying now you were pretending you liked him, that you were lying all the time. That you were sick and bad to the bone. But I know it's not true. Nobody born evil...You were good Niall I saw it in you, but your dark side weighed on you as this marble plate, overwhelming you, didn't give you a chance for a normal life.

You were a very tragic person and I felt sorry for you. In some way I understand you now Niall, probably if I experienced so much as you in life, I'll be the same as you...It took me a year to try understand you and I still don't know you at all. It's amazing, don't you think? I just wish I could met you earlier, before you immersed in hatred and resentment. I'm pretty sure you could be a decent guy, Niall. I really believing in this.

You were for me a friend and brother, Niall. I enjoyed spending with you free time, talking with you, observing how happy you were when Steph and Tom were near. Some feelings you couldn't pretend, it's not possible. Your love to Steph was truly, your tears after Kieron's death weren't sham, your care and harsh words to me when I was behaving as a small kid, either. You said, Kieron was the best mate you ever had, and I believe you. He always had time for you, time for listened you, time for cheer you up when you had another row with Steph. He was amazing friend and I know you were appreciate him, maybe even more than I...I don't know who really killed Kieron. You or me? I killed him inside, killed his soul...You only killed his body...My crime was worse, Niall. And you knew it perfectly.

I only didn't understand why Tina? Why? She was a good person, almost saint, not like we...But it was her who died that day, her who left her child alone, disappearing from our life in one moment. Just like that...It should be me, not her. She didn't deserve for a death, Niall. She was young, full of hopes and desires, starting new life with husband and their small son, when you brutality ended it. I wonder what you thought then? Did you feel sorry for Tina or Max? Did you had stings of remorse? Did you felt anything?

There are things which I can't forgive you and you know which place to it...But there are things too which I can't forgive myself. I'm sorry I wasn't a friend who you needed. I'm sorry I didn't help you fight with your demons. And finally I'm sorry I didn't show you how important you were for me and I didn't say you how much I always wanted older brother like you...There is something in what people saying: time heals all wounds...It took me a year to try again understand you and think about good things which you've done. It was hard to look at you again, to find a person which disappeared after Tina's death. It was hard to notice my mistakes and saying myself you weren't bad, Niall. There are plenty of good memories about you and I'm trying to no forget about it, cause if I do that, I'll forget who you truly were. And even if past still hurts me and I'm pretty sure it will after the end of my days, I don't want to forget Niall who I knew before. Cause I don't only want to think about you as an evil bastard. It's shame you didn't get help from anybody. Maybe then our fates will turned out differently.

You were one of McQueen, Niall. And I guess you always will be. For Michaela you always will be like old brother who always let her stay at yours when she needing a peace for work or after another row with mum. For me you'll be a friend and brother about who I desired. And for mum you'll be forever her friend and primarily a small son, Matthew, who she missed for all this years.

A year ago I wouldn't tell you that, but in some way I missing you. Maybe I'm sick too, but that's what I feeling. You probably will laugh of me for that, but I really feel it. I missing the Niall who I thought I knew perfectly. I'm missing a friend and brother who suddenly disappeared from my life, leaving behind himself anger, sorrow and hate. I still don't know why you did this, and probably never understand it.

I wonder what you may say now to me, after listening my all mumbling. You'll amused? Angry? Sad? Or maybe didn't know what to say? Maybe you'll cry and see that you weren't alone Niall. You had friends who really wanted to help you. Who tried to understand you...But now I guess, it's too late for this. You're sleeping now, under thin marble plate didn't bother anymore what everybody thinks about you...

I only hope wherever you're now, you found a peace and become a person who you truly are. I wish one day when we meet again on the other side this time, you'll give me a chance to know you. To see what real Niall was hiding from the all world.


End file.
